I really don't understand anything about electronics, microprocessing, semiconductors, programming, or anything that makes my computer work. Really, for all I know that tan thing at my feet is a Magic Box, and I should be in awe of it as if I were a serf from the Dark Ages.
Then my Magic Box stops working and I curse my cruel fate. Why, Magic Box, do you punish me so? What did I do to bring down your wrath?
I'll burn some offerings later and hope it has mercy.
Anyway, since Ted's rocket launch was scrubbed, I spent Saturday morning doing yardwork...pulling weeds and dead annuals, raking leaves, and dividing day lillies and black-eyed susans that were out of control.
I live in a townhouse. It doesn't have much of a yard. But since I hate yardwork and only do it oh, twice a year, the semi-annual cleanup took me about three hours. The worst part is that my hamstrings are so sore from it that I'm hobbling around here today like a...much much older person. Obviously I should have warmed up and stretched before I got to work. (Yeah, that's it. I'm sore because I forgot to stretch, not because I am woefully out of shape from being so slackass lazy all summer.)
The Terps were my bright spot for the weekend, although the Caps did win on Friday night. Saturday night was a different story. Victor went on at some length about their woes in a post the other night, and the Halloween win doesn't change what he said.
And the less said about the Redskins the better.
And I did have SPAM! SPAM and eggs, to be exact. But because of the Magic Box's caprice, I don't have the mouth-watering pictures.
It was Victor's turn to go to the hockey game last night (the way it's going, we'll be arguing over who has to go, not who gets to go), and since the game wasn't on tv I actually sat down and read a book.
The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom. It came in the mail yesterday, and I'd forgotten ordering it. I was intrigued by the premise when I read a review...in heaven, five people who crossed your path before they died meet you to explain, or help you learn, the meaning of your life.
In a management class I took recently the facilitator kept asking "Does this resonate with you?" That term was bugging me, but now I find myself considering using it...this book is about the huge consequences of the inconsequential acts of everyday life and how everyone is intertwined. I guess it resonated.
It was a quick read, and a thoughtful book. I won't say much because I don't want to spoil it for anyone who might want to read it...the rest of this is not about the book but about me.
For a good chunk of my life I recited the Nicene Creed without thinking very carefully about what it meant. As I got older and did examine it, I started having my doubts...first over issues that struck me as more political than spiritual...and I quit saying "I believe."
For years not having any real belief didn't bother me at all. I also enjoyed sleeping in on Sundays.
For the last couple of years, though, I have started pondering questions that are philosophical. I wasn't (am not, I should say; this hasn't ended) engaging in an intellectual exercise, and for awhile I was embarrassed that these matters were occupying so much of my time and brain. I mean, I have important things to worry about. I have a training program to develop for work. I have to figure out how to allocate my 401(k) distribution. I have to find dental insurance.
At some point I came around to the idea...is there anything more fundamental than this? Doesn't the rest of it pretty much hinge on "What the hell am I supposed to be doing here?"
I've come up with some ideas I like...my version of heaven, say, or why there are so many different religions. But obviously liking an idea doesn't make it valid.
I took the Belief-o-matic quiz and came up a Liberal Quaker. I looked 'em up, and I agreed with a lot of what I read...but in the end, why decide to "believe" George Fox's ideas? I could just list my ideas, call it Nicism, and whamo, now I'm a believer.
I have a friend who was a very smart, scientifically-inclined atheist who became a Christian. (She is still very smart and scientific, incidentally.) C.S. Lewis convinced her, and she gave me a copy of Mere Christianity a couple years ago on Good Friday.
(Good Friday, I'd told her, was the one day I acutely felt my lapsed Catholicism, because it is the one day of the year you can't get back in...any other you can go to confession, go to Mass, receive the Eucharist. There is no Eucharist on Good Friday. God is dead...)
I understand the logic of her faith but I don't feel it. In a way I kind of envy the people who do...the people I know who have a strong faith, whether it is in a specific religion or that they are just satisfied with their own ideas of why they are here and what they do, seem so much...healthier...that I am.
I'm really rambling, more than I intended to. When I started typing I was going to say that I have been thinking about this interconnectedness (is that a word?), and wondering if that is some sort of first step to finding a belief...
Instead I just got off track. Ah, well. Maybe the five people I'll meet will explain it all.
This story, about a woman whose body was found buried under debris in her own house, caught my attention last week.
Actually the headline D.C. Woman Missing for Year Found In Basement made me say "What the hell?" out loud on the Metro. (My seatmate glanced down at my paper and did not edge away from me or anything, but then again lots of people talk to themselves on public transportation.)
So apparently last summer this 62-year-old went missing. Police and fire personnel checked her house, which "was stacked from floor to ceiling with magazines, clothes and assorted trash," and didn't find her. Last week a contractor who was cleaning the house out at the request of relatives found the body.
Probably the woman had some kind of medical condition that incapactited or killed her when she was down in the basement, and junk fell on top of her, and by the time the authorities showed up, she wasn't visable under the pile of magazines or something. (This is my analysis.) Poor woman. This may sound awful, but I hope that it was a heart attack or something quick, and that she wasn't just trapped under an avalanche of stuff.
My pain reading this story was partly for the woman, and partly fear for my future.
I come from a family of pack rats, I'm afraid. It isn't as bad as people who truly suffer from hoarding, but man we have too much stuff.
My grandparent's house, when I was a kid, was a treasure trove. My mom always suggested that the reason they kept everything was that they'd lived through the Depression, so they couldn't bring themselves to get rid of anything they might need again someday. Whatever the reason was, I spent hours reading old magazines, playing with my father's old toys, and turning old clothes into costumes.
After my grandfather died and my grandmother's health declined the state of the house deteriorated. She no long dusted and vaccumed, and instead of neatly putting things away, things just accumulated into clutter. When my grandmother died it took us nearly a year to actually get the house emptied. Much went into dumpsters, much went to Goodwill and the Salvation Army. I got some things that were of great sentimental value (the candy dish I raided every visit) and things I just found cool, like an aluminium Christmas tree with a color wheel.
Way too much of the stuff ended up in my parents' basement. And my parents, who didn't live through the Depression and can't use that excuse, were already well on their way toward filling the basement with their own stuff before they added the contents of my grandmother's house. When they die I'll be cramming it all into my basement, I know it.
My sister has really learned from this. She has three kids and a small house, and is actively trying to discourage more stuff. The kids get savings bonds for presents. She's declared war on knick-knacks.
I agree with her in principle, but I am weak. I keep books because maybe I'll want to read them again. I keep magazines because, hey, a couple of those articles were really useful and that recipe looked good. I keep things that are useless but "cool," like the talking Taco Bell dog. And worst of all, I am pathologically sentimental, so I can't get rid of presents or anything else that has a connection to someone I love.
I used to justify keeping so much that I loved as a kid by saying someday my kids would love it too. But there will be no little Nics and grand Nics, so I need to repent before the day I'm old and frail and crushed to death under three generations of treasures.
I finally got around to adding the blogs I had bookmarked in my browsers to my template here. I was going to try to put the non-sports, non-food ones in some kind of categories or order, too, but they are all over the map...so I guess the only category that fits is "stuff I read at least occasionally."
Looking at that list, I wonder what impression I give people. It's like that 100 Things exercise...it says so much and little, it is so true and so misleading.
Slightly related to that thought, we were talking about personality tests and so on at work today. It started with Myers-Briggs, which I have actually had professionally administered and evaluated. (I was being laid off and the job placement agency that was part of my benefits package included it.) I've also had the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (a job I applied for required that one.)
Then we started talking about others that seemed a bit less concrete, like Belief-o-Matic , for those trying to figure out their religion. Then there's the Political Compass. Then once all the scores are in, you can check your biases about people who aren't just like you over at Tolerence.org.
I'm under the weather. One of the rattios is under the weather. The computer is under the weather.
I have to spend the next two days in management training. Hopefully I'll learn how to deal with the problem child on my staff who picked a fight with payroll while I was off at the doctor today. (Payroll! If there is any department with which you remain on good terms, it is payroll. Duh!)
Perhaps I'll just go to bed and it will all look brighter in the morning?
I had a surprise visit from one of my oldest friends this weekend. We grew up together, but he moved out west a few years ago and I only see him every year or so when he's home to visit the family. One of the funny things about him is that he usually calls me when he's here, not days or weeks before when he plans the trips, so it's always a surprise.
Anyway, he always says "Come visit me sometime!" And I never have, because that would involve getting on a plane, and I don't do that.
I have flown. If I truly had to, I would fly. For example, my brother lives in Texas (I have never visited him either) and if he called and said he needed me, I'd be on the next plane out. But I won't do it unless it is absolutely necessary.
It is a phobia. I have three: flying, water, and fire.
Actually, I'm afraid of crashing, drowning, and suffocation and burning...
The water one is the only one I can understand. It is still an unreasonable fear, but I know where I got it. I was caught in a rip current in the Gulf of Mexico once, and I honestly thought I was going to drown. It's a bit of a longer story than that, but for the purpose of this post, the result was that I can no longer get past my knees in a natural body of water without my heart pounding, cold sweats, and an imposible-to-ignore urge to return to dry land.
With fire, it's more of a paranoia than a phobia. I actually love to watch campfires, fires in fireplaces, that sort of thing. I build a good campfire. I'm just absolutely terrified of a fire in my house. I'm not sure why this is, either...I mean, a healthy concern is one thing, it makes people change the batteries in their smoke detectors and (ahem) quickly exit buildings when an alarm sounds. But my concern has a pathological quality to it. A few years ago I realized that the wiring in my basement was a little unusual, and until I had an electrician check it out, I used to call home during the day to see if my answering machine picked up, because if the maching picked up it meant my house hadn't burned down. I know that's not normal.
And for flying...again, no idea where it came from. A neighbor of ours was killed in the Air Florida crash in '82, but I know people who have died in automobile crashes and I still drive. It wasn't 9/11, because I was scared to fly before then. Since then, though, I have found flying easier to avoid because my company cut way back on business travel, and instead of having to justify not going out of town, my bosses are pleased when I come to them with local training and travel alternatives.
Actually admitting my phobias is new for me. For years I have found excuses to turn down sailing invitations, rafting trips, and swimming. I've had excuses for missing weddings and visits (like to my friend) that required flying. Just recently I started to admit it, and people have actually been, at least to my face, understanding.
This weekend my friend called my bluff, and when I hemmed and hawed about having time to go see him, he said "Do you just not want to fly?" I said well, yeah, actually, that's pretty much it.
He gave me a hug and said "We have an Amtrak station."
All aboard.
I keep seeing these "100 Facts" lists on blogs. I thought I'd whip one out...I'm not sure why I counted them down instead of up. They most definitely don't get deeper or more interesting as you go, but it was sorta fun.
100. Both my computers are Gateways.
99. Past pets include an iguana, fish, parakeets, and hermit crabs.
98. Current pets are a dog and rats.
97. I only like washing dishes with an industrial dishwasher.
96. I was a Girl Scout until high school.
95. I can still build a good campfire.
94. I was born during the LBJ administration.
93. I have never been west of Dodgeville, Wisconsin (unless New Orleans is farther west.)
92. The farthest east I have been is in the Atlantic Ocean.
91. My favorite sport is ice hockey.
90. My first bicycle was a Christmas present from my parents.
89. My most recent bicycle was a bargain I bought practically new from a grad student who couldn’t ride as much as she thought she would.
88. I don’t like baking because I don’t like to get lots of measuring spoons and cups dirty (see #97).
87. I am starting to appreciate red wine.
86. I still like beer.
85. I prefer hardwood floor to carpet.
84. I settled for wood-looking laminate in my house.
83. I graduated from the University of Maryland.
82. I minored in government and politics.
81. I had a professor who suggested that as we got older, we would care more about our county council than Congress.
80. I have made that switch.
79. I don’t have children.
78. I have e-mailed my county council about pending decisions.
77. I believe it is more appropriate to show patriotism by being a productive and active citizen than by displaying the flag.
76. I’m embarrassed to admit that I am keeping a personal blog.
75. The first movie I saw in the theater was “Bambi.”
74. The last movie I saw was “Bend It Like Beckham.”
73. I attended the first WUSA (pro women’s soccer league) game at RFK in Washington.
72. I played soccer for one season as a child.
71. I tripped and fell down a lot.
70. Cheeseburgers were my favorite food for a long time.
69. I still like sandwiches a lot.
68. I once had a restaurant idea where I’d have two sides of the menu: the “fancy” side (chicken cordon bleu) and the corresponding “sandwich side” (grilled chicken stuffed with ham and cheese on french bread).
67. My first car was a Chevy Celebrity.
66. I drive a Ford Focus wagon now.
65. I understand the global economy but I still want an American car.
64. I try to eat yogurt because it is good for me but I don’t like it.
63. I like tangy cole slaw and barbeque with vinegar but no tomato in the sauce.
62. I don’t consider myself southern.
61. I’d rather have cheese than chocolate.
60. I do think about subjects other than food.
59. I believe in the statement by the Catholic bishops “[T]hat every person is precious, that people are more important than things, and that the measure of every institution is whether it threatens or enhances the life and dignity of the human person.”
58. I haven’t attended Catholic (or any other) church since I was in college.
57. Some of my best friends are gay.
56. I’m straight.
55. I’m also pretty butch, though.
54. I did wear a dress when I got married.
53. I’m divorced.
52. My ex and I are friends but not close friends.
51. I won’t reveal anything more personal than that.
50. I have only dyed my hair once.
49. I love office supply stores.
48. I know how to develop black & white film and print the photos.
47. I almost always take digital pictures now.
46. The exterior of my house is green.
45. My favorite color is burgundy.
44. For most of my life it was blue.
43. I am proof that people can change.
42. I participate in marketing research focus groups.
41. I was in a focus group about the Intuition disposable razors.
40. I cut up my legs when I shave.
39. My sister calls my shaving nicks “Polish suicide attempts.”
38. We are part Polish.
37. I have done suicide prevention volunteer work.
36. I do have a twisted sense of humor, maybe even a sick one.
35. I prefer 7-11 coffee to Starbucks.
34. The nursery school I attended had ponies.
33. I never had that girlhood “horse” phase.
32. I got straight A’s in seventh grade.
31. I got C’s in high school math and science.
30. I now work in a lab.
29. Alexander Hamilton is my favorite Federalist.
28. George Wythe is my favorite Revolutionary.
27. I like Henry Clay too.
26. I haven’t been to the dentist in years.
25. I don’t have dental insurance.
24. When I was a kid I wanted to be a spy.
23. I have no desire to be a spy now.
22. I am “three degrees of separation” from Robert Hanssen via two different paths.
21. I loved the tv show “Wild Wild West.”
20. I got hooked on the “X-Files” during the fourth season.
19. I was recovering from knee surgery and watched an X-Files marathon on cable every night for a week. It was 25 episodes long.
18. I was actually relieved when the show ended and I have avoided becoming addicted to any show since.
17. I do have Internet addiction issues.
16. I’m Capricorn.
15. I don’t believe in the zodiac.
14. I agree that there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my philosophy, however.
13. Julius Caesar is my favorite Shakespearean play.
12. I didn’t appreciate “The Great Gatsby” until I read it as an adult, but I studied it in high school and college.
11. I have seen the Reduced Shakespeare Company twice and they are hysterical.
10. My municipal recycling pickup day is Wednesday.
9. This list has taken me almost two hours, although I stopped to eat dinner.
8. Back to food…I try to eat three or more vegetarian dinners a week.
7. I did not eat vegetables as a child.
6. I also hated pizza as a child.
5. I like both bourbon and scotch.
4. When I was teething, my uncle dipped my pacifier in scotch to make me stop crying.
3. When I was 18 months old, my parents took me to a nice restaurant and I embarrassed them by throwing a plate.
2. I have eaten at the same restaurant as an adult and had bratty children seated near me.
1. Even 100 facts do not sum me up.